I moved into this wonderful townhouse in the last month, so I
took down all of my family photos to pack away. As I was doing so I
came across one that changed me profoundly. It was picture of 2 little
girls, one blond one brunette sitting on a swing set. Years ago when
first working on myself I went to therapy to do “inner child” work. I
could not really grasp the concept at the time. I had no childhood
photos of myself. I had no reference. I was sure that if I had an inner
child, I did not like her. I did my best to “pretend to visualize” and
make peace with her. I did not at that time understand the value of
what was presented to me.
As I proceeded with recovery, the tasks, the meetings, the abstinence
and the prayer began to work on me. Slowly at first. I got married and
had a little boy!! Life continued to evolve. I did not realize at the
time but the things I had learned to do had started to change me, they
were loving gestures to a woman that moved previously through her life
mostly on her own. Not loving herself, or caring for her own body and
life.Certainly I did not care for others, except in the most superficial
way. I was growing up and learning to love myself.
Fast forward and it now about 15 years later, my sister sent me a
picture her father’s family gave her. It was of her and I on a swing
set. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I was a perfectly ordinary girl, a
little stoic, but blond and cute. There were no horns growing out of
my head, or ugliness. I came to really see my inner child that day,
embrace her and I vowed to care for her the rest of my life. That I
believe is when my inner changes really occurred.
I would love to tell you I was never self destructive again, but I am
an recovering person, not a saint, so you know that is not true. It did
change my view about myself.. I had value. It ties into this book that
sat on my shelf for years. It is called Soul Love, by Sanaya Roman.
I picked up this book years ago. I love history, I like heavy
text-like books, anything else, is an effort to read. I know its weird,
but there it is. So I use opportunities, like my son’s Karate,
to spiritually grow through reading. I grab the book on the way out of
the door. I get to the studio thinking Oh God, this is all I have to
read.
Well, the book is a gem, and there are exercises I do in my head
there on the side lines at karate. I love my connection to God and to
spirit, I am so blessed that at times, its just there. You know I hate fluffy self-help stuff. For years when I drank, I
would suck up a book on how to win friends, or improve my lot in life.
It never stuck, because I was unwilling to change. So I started seeing
self-help as fluffy and superfluous. It seemed shallow. AA is what
worked for me, honesty, and responsibility. Any good character I got
for years came from those meetings. All that “just love yourself”
advice was lost on me, and sometimes I see it’s hard for my clients too.
Over the last 23 years and especially since Adrian died, I feel
transformed in this regard. I understand. I was born in this body and
this life. These are my jobs while I am here. This is my equipment, my
face to the world. If this were my child I would treat her quite
differently. My heart was moved by what she carried and went through.
My son is my jewel. I had him so late in life, he is why I have a
home business, so I can volunteer at school, and be there for him. So
why not treat myself with the same devotion? Since that realization,
when anything comes up about or around me, my loyalty and steadfastness
go to myself. I want my life to have character, and humility, to be a
worker among workers. You know I love that
little me, and that photo.
It has made how I treat others and myself completely different. It
is a process, so I am still the student. Changing that one thing, I
finally understand what it means to really love yourself, and what it
means to love others. It is the first commandment to love the Lord God
with all your might, and to love others as you would your self. It has
nothing to do with your job or success or failure, loving yourself is
based on intrinsic value as a human being, nothing more. That is
enough.
Why this is important? If you really look at your situations with an
honest love for yourself, you will not put yourself in harms way as
often. You will not tolerate bad behavior toward or from yourself. You
will see your value in any relationship, and not stay in dysfunctional
situations. Spirit always shows me love around people. I never get
judgment, or condemnation around any client I read. Sometimes I see
consequences, but never judgment. If I could give you anything, it would
be you are worthy of love. You are worth fighting for.
